A Big Burden To Bear

Hey guys. Its been a while. I'm troubled by too much stuff lately thus i decided to restart a blog. Yea i know this is retarded. WeeKang and Yien are gonna start laughing at me. But heck, i don't give a shit. Anyway, i won't be posting regularly.

You know what guys? I've been a bloody failure as an elder brother. Really, i look at my brother and realise how much a failure i am. I'm serious, don't even think about consoling me, because nothing's gonna work.

There was this period of time i tried telling myself repeatedly that it was just growing up, you know, puberty and all. But reality proved otherwise. Because the older he grew, the worse he becomes. I really don't know. My parents keep telling me that my brother learns how to behave like me, and he looks at me as a model to learn from. I asked my mum yesterday whether or not i behaved like that when i was his age, and as expected, the answer was no, not that i'm boasting or anything.

But fact is, i haven't done my role as a big brother. I haven't been able to teach him the right morals, bring him up as a good person. I've brought him up as a liar, a self-centered person. A person who only knows how to play computer games and get involved with friends that don't want to study. A person who thinks that he's the most powerful guy in the world.

Months ago, i gave up on him. Or at least that was what i wanted to do. I stopped talking to him, stopped interfering him from doing the stuffs he wanted to do. I didn't want to care anymore, because each time i did, my head would end up heavy and painful. He's primary six now, old enough to decide whether or not he wants to continue this way. But recently, my parents keep talking to me about him, and my sister keeps saying she hates me just because of it. I'm lost, seriously lost.

To be frank, i feel like crying now, and many a times i've had the same feeling, when i lie down on my bed and think about him. I've said this before, and i'm gonna say it again, if there was someone in this world who could make me drop my tears, it would be my brother. Call me a sissy, a crybaby. Go ahead. Not that i care.

I really don't know what to do. And to my sister, i can only say, sorry. Really sorry. Please understand.

One more thing, if you're here to laugh at me or my post, please screw off.